The MLB Office of the Commisioner released a statement today that Brian Wilson, closer for the World Champion San Francision Giants would be suspended for the first 50 games of the 2011 season for Performance Enhancing Beard (PEB) use. Sources inside the office said that the investigation was underway for several months, but no other names have come up.
"After the appearance of the 'Fear the Beard' signs and other propaganda, we decided to take a deeper look," intoned T. Klin Tomentum, chairmen of the MLB gold ribbon commision on improper hair growth. "What we found was startling. Not only was the jet black color a dead giveaway that something was amiss, but the texture and density was unlike what any of the interns in our office were capable of." Tomentum added that baseball didn't need another scandal, and that he hopes this severe action would trim the growing phenomenon.
"Baseball has a proud tradition of facial hair, and of that we are proud," continued Tomentum. "Rollie Fingers, Al Hrabosky, Rick Aguilera, Johnny Damon, Roy Halladay, Carl Pavano... all of these fine men showed us the proper way to display and intimidate via their face plumage. A simple dab of wax, a scissors or even an electric trimmer are perfectly fine, but Rogaine and 'Just for Men'? There is the right way, and there is the wrong way to approach The Game."
Harvey Westmoreland could not be reached for comment after an especially plentiful post
Movember feast.
